secretramblingsofapastorswife

Ministry looks so so different from what I thought it would. For one it hurt a lot more. For two I seemed to be doing a lot less of it than I thought. As a 16 year old newly converted atheist to Jesus follower I was ready to serve Him and serve Him forever and ever. My dream was youth ministry, a Pastors family. I went on missions trip after missions trip. Visitations, activities, worked at a Christian Camp 2 summers. Met my husband there (who was studying to get his degree in Bible). I was in school studying to help churches, work hard and give everything I got to whatever church God brought us to. And God did. He brought us to Texas but before that He allowed some things to take place.... Grace. We were right before our 1 year anniversary or right after (i can never remember this type of stuff) when I found out that I was pregnant with Grace. I was so close to getting my degree but I knew that my plans had changed from the moment I looked at those pink lines. We had...

I stink at hard.... like really. If one more person tells me I'm inspiring, strong or the best mom they know i might just throw a brick at them. (thats a little dramatic and btw I know you all mean well and it is incredibly heartfelt.) It can just sometimes seem like huge shoes to fill and a burden to bear.  This month has been hard. hard hard hard hard hard.  Like cant describe it hard. Like cant even wrap my own mind around it nonetheless share that hard with you. The reason I share this even now is because I again (I know I say it 100xs) I think there is beauty in honesty. There is beauty in the fact that we are not alone in our struggles and if no one is ever willing to share those struggles.....well then.... we will all feel very alone now wont we.  These past weeks have been dark. Theyve been scary. Theyve been exhausting and overwhelming. And Id love to tell you that all around me I felt Gods grace, His mercy, His love and His strength. I would love to ...

When did perfect become the new standard? I'm not sure what happened along the way, but somewhere in my Christian walk I decided (as I know many have) that perfection was and is the only way. And really it kind of got worse with my Bible reading. I was growing, enjoying, seeking and learning so much. I was changing some here and there. But not this awesome overnight amazing awestruck all my friends and family can tell a difference type of change. More of a, hey I would have said that horrible awful thing that just popped into my head and I didn't.  that felt like a very minuscule success. or a don't think that thought, don't judge that person, don't look at their sin look at yours battles going on in my head when i would have just thought them again.... a tiny speck of success on my large grand scale of perfection.  I felt like I was failing. Failing God. Failing Christianity and feeling like The Bible didnt have the power it claimed to have. Or...

Funny how the last post I wrote I thought we would have answers about Wren. And today I sit without answers for Wren AND Toby. Such is life. So todays post is for me. Really just some thoughts ive been thinking but want to put into sentences. The dreaded blog post about FACEBOOK. But this time I dont want to talk about being a "hands free mama" (though I love her posts) or talk about how awful facebook is. I want to talk about trials and facebook. Facebook has created quite the little phenomenon in the christian community. Especially for extroverts like myself. We get to voice our thoughts way quicker to a way larger audience. When we get bad news, hard news, something hurts or we find out about a trial we can quickly update our status in our very raw emotional state and boom put it out there. We hurt. We are frustrated. We are sad. We are lonely. We are exhausted. We are scared. We are _____________________. And its there for the something + friends you have ...

COME ON! You knew it was coming didn't you?? I couldn't do a week like this past one with out a blog post! That would be practically sinful! The problem is there is no starting point. Not really. Its kind of all mushed together in a series of events. But with the Summer being what it has been, like I said, It feels like there is no beginning to start the story. Most of you know from Facebook posts, and The pray for Toby page all the fun...so Ill spare you the long of it. Between Toby's surgery, Nate leaving for Guatemala, Air conditioners breaking, wheelchair delivered unusable, Cell phones getting lost and found in a busy parking lot and miraculously not smashed, a very discouraged Toby, major contractions with a call to the doctor, and the normal life of having 4 kids and being pregnant. ...its been a few days. Ill admit to some Whys coming into my mind. Why one more thing? Why this? Why now? Why why why why why??? Don't you think we've all learned enough L...