secretramblingsofapastorswife

Ugly isnt pretty. Which is why when you take a selfie its always one in which you consider yourself "looking pretty." Its why tagged pictures become untagged pictures quite quickly.The problem is both our truths. That selfie, hey we looked pretty (and we did) that tagged picture....well that day we looked....we will just say not so pretty...but they are both truths. we looked both ways. Its why we clean up our house from top to bottom right before a friend comes over. Its why we wear makeup, do our hair, pin 100 pins of different haircuts..... cause ugly just aint pretty.  Sometimes special needs world is so two sided. Like crazy bipolar two-sided. Like jump the grand canyon in 60 seconds two sided.  We like to blog the pretty side. The my kids a hero. My kid works hard. My kid is amazing. Look at what my kid did side. Cause well the ugly isnt pretty and who wants to show the ugly side when the pretty is just so doggone pretty. I'm gonna step way out of my comfor...

What a day. .... .AGAIN.  So thankful for this outlet to share our  lives and to have a way to just breathe through it all. Im sitting here listening to my husband listen to "Jesus Bring the Rain." as I type my mess.  I guess we all deal different ways.   So if you arent "friends" with me on facebook here's a brief recap. Toby has a large bump on his vp shunt tubing for 11 days (a shunt tubing that keeps him alive and keeps him Toby) yesterday he started complaining of headaches and then puked.  Now some of you will be like...hey no biggie, sickness goes around...but all you SB mamas will groan with me and say, "oh man."  He felt somewhat better as the day went on so we just went with it. This morning hes struggling more with the headache and even got back in bed. (not the norm for a 7 year old boy) So my poor husband takes however many kids to a field trip with the Christian School and comes home to take over 4 other kiddos while I ta...

This picture..... This picture  makes me smile. It also makes me feel slightly crazy cause well taking any picture with 5 kids is crazy.  (though wearing pajama pants makes it feel somewhat better....it was sunday afternoon..pajama pants) So if you cant read whats on the back of my car it says If you think my hands are full, you should see my heart. This saying means a whole whole lot to me personally. Hence it being plastered on the back of my car. So I thought Id do a quick blog post on why. 1. I need to remind others. Yes, I might look frazzled and crazy getting in and out of my car. You might see me chasing a wheelchair zooming down the slightly sloped parking lot all while dragging a grocery cart full of kids behind me.  (its happened ) You might see me even slightly (of course only slightly) lose my cool with a couple of the sweet charming children. I might drop 15 items and leave 5 more behind when I come to your home. I might misplace my phone 500xs...

When did perfect become the new standard? I'm not sure what happened along the way, but somewhere in my Christian walk I decided (as I know many have) that perfection was and is the only way. And really it kind of got worse with my Bible reading. I was growing, enjoying, seeking and learning so much. I was changing some here and there. But not this awesome overnight amazing awestruck all my friends and family can tell a difference type of change. More of a, hey I would have said that horrible awful thing that just popped into my head and I didn't.  that felt like a very minuscule success. or a don't think that thought, don't judge that person, don't look at their sin look at yours battles going on in my head when i would have just thought them again.... a tiny speck of success on my large grand scale of perfection.  I felt like I was failing. Failing God. Failing Christianity and feeling like The Bible didnt have the power it claimed to have. Or...

Funny how the last post I wrote I thought we would have answers about Wren. And today I sit without answers for Wren AND Toby. Such is life. So todays post is for me. Really just some thoughts ive been thinking but want to put into sentences. The dreaded blog post about FACEBOOK. But this time I dont want to talk about being a "hands free mama" (though I love her posts) or talk about how awful facebook is. I want to talk about trials and facebook. Facebook has created quite the little phenomenon in the christian community. Especially for extroverts like myself. We get to voice our thoughts way quicker to a way larger audience. When we get bad news, hard news, something hurts or we find out about a trial we can quickly update our status in our very raw emotional state and boom put it out there. We hurt. We are frustrated. We are sad. We are lonely. We are exhausted. We are scared. We are _____________________. And its there for the something + friends you have ...

A week from today. A week from today we should know something. SOMETHING!!  at least more than what we know now. A week from today Wren has her eye appointment with her ophthalmologist. A week from today I'm hoping to stop constantly wondering. A week from today I am hoping to stop doing my own "what can she see" tests. A week from today we might rejoice and high five. or A week from today we might mourn . Its scary how a day can have the potential to change your life and the life of your children. (I say children because it affects all of them.) We've been here before. We've sat waiting for an appointment. For news. For something. For more than we know now. And we've mourned. This time is different though because we are holding Wren. When we found out about Tobys Spina Bifida he was only in my tummy for 20 weeks. We still had 20 weeks to adjust, to mourn and to let life stop a little. I wish life could just stop right now. I wish I ha...

We are a desperate bunch. Us Christian Moms. We try so hard to do it all and be it all. At least I am. Join me in the description or not but good grief I know there are times when I reach the point of pure desperation. Most of the time I'm desperate for fixes or something that will make me feel not so alone in my struggle.  How to fix this? How to help this kid do? How to help be a better wife? How can I be a better mother? How can I stop yelling? How can I be more grace filled? How can I home school better? How can I point my kids to the true meaning of Christmas? How can I be a fun mom? How can I ____________________ fill in your blank. I sit in there in pure desperation and I read and I read. I find blogs, articles, videos and anything I can get my hands on and I read it. How to pray for your husband. How to not yell. How to be a hand-free non cell phone loving mama . (being read on my cell phone and loving it) How to have strength through hard times. How to have...