Tuesday, May 20, 2014

I stink at Hard.....no really

I stink at hard.... like really.

If one more person tells me I'm inspiring, strong or the best mom they know i might just throw a brick at them.
(thats a little dramatic and btw I know you all mean well and it is incredibly heartfelt.)It can just sometimes seem like huge shoes to fill and a burden to bear. 

This month has been hard. hard hard hard hard hard.  Like cant describe it hard. Like cant even wrap my own mind around it nonetheless share that hard with you.

The reason I share this even now is because I again (I know I say it 100xs) I think there is beauty in honesty. There is beauty in the fact that we are not alone in our struggles and if no one is ever willing to share those struggles.....well then....we will all feel very alone now wont we. 

These past weeks have been dark. Theyve been scary. Theyve been exhausting and overwhelming.

And Id love to tell you that all around me I felt Gods grace, His mercy, His love and His strength. I would love to tell you that I walked away from this month unscathed and stronger in my faith and more sure of my foundation then ever before.

But its not true.

Because I stink at hard.....really stink at it.

This past month I questioned, I fought, I got angry, I got depressed and wanted to do a whole lot of screaming. (some of which I did)

It seemed that almost everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.  Infections, bladder leaks, tubes coming out that shouldnt, things getting blocked, bowel obstruction, bed sores, watching my child in the worst pain Ive ever seen anyone in, calling the dr every single day because something went wrong.

And the thing I just couldnt wrap my mind around is that God could have stopped this. God could have kept this from happening. He has the power to keep the bladder from leaking, He has the power to keep Toby out of pain....He has the power and He chose not to. I have trusted and trusted and now questioned. I didnt question him when we found out about Spina Bifida. I didnt question Him through tethered cord, I didnt question Him through shunt revision. I didnt question Him with Wren......but now.....now I want to scream why?! Now I want to question, because now the unfairness of it all seems crushing.

God is soverign  and THIS....THIS of all things was His plan.

I just couldnt. I didnt read my Bible. I didnt want to pray. I didnt want anything to do with any of it. I was mad. Mad for myself, mad for my marriage, mad for my children and mostly mad for Toby.

(you see how bad I sitnk at hard)

I wanted so badly to be able to post beautiful verses on facebook of how God has taught me this, or God has done that. Or Gods grace is so awesome....but I couldnt....I couldnt do much of anything. I wanted to walk away closer to God. I wanted to walk away a beautiful testimony of how God works. But I felt alone and like God wasnt working at all.

Nate and I were falling apart. The kids were falling apart and life seemed to be just unraveling.

I thought multiple times.
This.....This is it. This is the time that tears us all apart. This is it. The thing that does us in. After everything else...one surgery. one surgery to take us all to the breaking point.

Id like to tell you at the end of this post that I'm completely on the other side of it and I can look at you in the eyes and smile and say how silly I was. But I cant.  Not yet anyway

I can tell you that I'm crossing the bridge though.

It seems to be that the moments I want to read my Bible the very least are the moments I need my Bible the very most.  And maybe thats why. Maybe thats why it was so hard to see His grace, His mercy, His strength.

Today someone shared with me
David Jeremiah said something once and I've never forgotten it, "When you cannot see the hand of God, trust His heart."

So let me say, I'm a work in progress...I stink at Hard. But I'm learning and trying to trust God's heart because heaven knows its been hard to see His hand lately.

So yea, I'm not super mom, I'm not inspiring, I'm not even all that strong.  But Ill get there. I know the way back and I know those first steps. I'm taking those first steps....its back to The Word. Back to HIS heart.
I'm ready to see His grace, His mercy and His strength. I cant possibly survive without it.