Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Big and Little

So today has been a doozy. And Im sitting down to type only during rest time. There is much more day left What must the rest of the day hold!?? Today started with a trip to the skate park as we try to find ways to get outside with Toby’s wheelchair. It’s challenging to find something for 3 very active kids and 1 kid who wants to be active but cant right now. I’m starting this process of getting out more with lots of fear. Well, off to the park where Grace chips her tooth in the first 5 minutes of being there. Not just any tooth. The front permanent one. Oh JOY! Then a promise to the library. The library is closed till 12. Uh oh. Then off to Walmart with the process of a new awesome craft staring me in the face just waiting to be made with the write crafting products. That’s when it hit me. The sharp, double over, make you want to die, not sure what end its going to be. Right at the check out line. I literally ran for it. Shamefully ran the bathroom down with 3 kids in a buggy and one running behind me with a chipped tooth. And there we were. All shoved into a nasty walmart bathroom, waiting for the sickness of doom to pass. At least I’m pregnant so people were a little more sympathetic. I finally drag myself out just to run right back in. Oh the shame. And I was dressed the part too. Pony tail, no makeup, cargo capri pants, t shirt and ratty flip flops. Shame isn’t a strong enough word. We rush home to see the Occupational Therapist walking away from our front door! Oops we had therapy today. I remembered this morning but sometime through the tooth, library and walmart ordeal I had forgotten. Luckily She stayed and was understanding. Wheelchair adjuster shows up to readjust Tobys wheelchair which has been tipping backward every time he pushes. Right as he comes in to the living room I hear glass crashing. Nates favorite water glass, (which he just informed me last night was his favorite) has spread through 2 rooms along with the water that was in it. In the midst a stunned face Grace pulling her own glass from the mountain of dishes on the counter. So I ask myself through all this. Where is the GRACE? Where is the strength to keep going on days like today? Just so stinky rotten, nothing end of the world, but lots going wrong type days. Sometimes these are the hardest days to see Gods face. In the BIG storms its easy to see Him. Its easy to find Him working and providing and comforting. It’s the little things, the over and over, or one thing on top of another that make my vision cloudy for Him. Put my kid in a hospital bed and I can see Him everywhere. Make it where we desperately need money for something and I watch Him provide. The BIG storms grab my attention and force me to see Him, to find Him. So what’s the difference? Why is it that the little every day trials are the time its hardest to keep our eyes on Christ? To see His Grace, His Goodness and His love. Why can I say, God you are good and you are soverign when I watch my child beg the nurses not to do another IV? And yet I struggle to say that in a Walmart bathroom or with glass around my feet.?? This has struck me this afternoon. Because how am I supposed to say I know who God is and He doesn’t change, but my reactions show that I might just believe otherwise. Maybe I believe that God is there for the BIG things but cant be concerned for the little, daily, mundane things…… I’m realizing that maybe I need to reevaluate my view of My God. Isaiah 49:16 Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; It doesn’t say just in the hard times. Just in the BIG TRIALS. Engraved on someone’s hands truly gives the picture of permanency. I like that. I’m gonna think on that.

Monday, May 27, 2013

changes

Its been long past time to do this. For a while this blog was called, "Raising Toby." I loved it. It was all about raising Toby. It was my spot to spill out hardships, victories, fears and joys. However, I stopped writing for a while. One reason being there wasnt much to write. We were at a stand still. We were just in cruise control with Toby. And it felt really weird to be writing only about one child when I have four children and another on the way. There was so much more to our life then Spina Bifida and Toby's special needs. So why now? Well, honestly there has been so much on my mind and my heart. So many things I want to say, to respond to, to just straight up talk about. And sometimes there's no time and sometimes there just isnt an ear right there to be available. And well my poor husbands ears could probably use a break. So this post is purely introduction. Purely hey here I am, but it might look a little different, sound a little different and be a little different. I hope that if you read this you will, 1. allow me the space to be honest. 2. allow me the benefit of the doubt if you think something negative. 3. feel free to comment or question. As a Pastors wife its not always easy or best to 'Put yourself out there' But honestly I never wanted to be that type of pastors wife. So here I am in all my glory, all my shame, all my thoughts, all my wonderings and mutterings. Take it for what it is. Hopefully the one thing it will always be is straight up honest. Kari