secretramblingsofapastorswife

Today I was reading about Noah. I have heard this story again and again. I have even told this story again and again, but today it struck a chord. Today was a lonely day when it comes to coping with Toby's care. Today felt like one of those "in the boat by myself kind of days." Today was one of those days when I wanted to sit on top of my house and scream out a long list of things I deal with day in and day out. I wasnt wanting to scream in the angry sort of way, but in the please can someone understand this. I am not just talking about the trials and the hard times, but even the triumphs, sometimes especially the triumphs. There are aspects of Toby's care that I don't share with others because Toby will not always be three and I want him to one day choose what he wants to share with people. Even in writing this blog there will be parts of Toby's life that will be a closed book, parts of his life that will be left for him alone. There are those days that makin...

I can count a million times People asking me how I Can praise You with all that I've gone through The question just amazes me Can circumstances possibly Change who I forever am in You Maybe since my life was changed Long before these rainy days It's never really ever crossed my mind To turn my back on you, oh Lord My only shelter from the storm But instead I draw closer through these times So I pray Bring me joy, bring me peace Bring the chance to be free Bring me anything that brings You glory And I know there'll be days When this life brings me pain But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain I am Yours regardless of The dark clouds that may loom above Because You are much greater than my pain You who made a way for me By suffering Your destiny So tell me what's a little rain So I pray Holy, holy, holy Is the Lord God Almighty Mercy Me

The first month of Toby's life was spent in the NICU of Greenville Memorial hospital. It was one of the scariest months of my life. We dealt with multiple surgeries and times when we thought we would get to go home only to be dissapointed again. It was also a very lonely time in my life. There were plenty of times I would drive to the hospital to nurse Toby only to be told that he had just been fed a bottle. Those moments were lonely and frustrating. Moving to texas one month after getting out of the NICU we ended up with multiple trips to the pediatric ER at Christus Santa Rosa. Every time I would sit in those tiny ER rooms looking at my little baby boy with the ugliest purple hospital gown barely hanging on him. It was miserable. When I picture kids in the hosptial it's hard for me not to picture my miserable little baby boy in a purple hospital gown with obnoxious teddy bears all over it. Recently, Jamie (one of the women who truly helped me through all those ER visits with...

The weird things I say on a regular basis If you don’t wheel yourself over here right now im gonna…. Don’t you stomp your hands at me….. You take those brakes off right now young man Watch out for their feet Don’t run over your sister Watch where your legs are Big pushes, not little pushes Don't run over your friend The incredible things I get to say on a regular basis You can do it You’re so strong Just two more steps Keep on going, almost there I’m so proud of you You did awesome I know you’re tired, but you can do it Mommy’s right here I’ll help you if you need it, but you don’t need it I promise to catch you Look, I’m right behind you Look how fast you’re going You did it, baby!!

I have a child with special needs? When my friend, Kari, asked me to write something for her blog, which was created to be a ministry for moms of children with special needs, I really had to pray about what to write because I do not really see my three year old Matthew as disabled. Yes, he has been diagnosed with spastic diplegia cerebral palsy, wears braces all day, walks with a reverse Kaye walker, receives occupational, speech, and physical therapy twice a week, and gets botox injections every three months in his legs. He has seen more specialists than this article will allow space. He spent two months in the NICU before he could come home, and has had surgery (achilles tendon lengthening) on his legs. He still needs his wheelchair for any long distances like trips to the zoo and we have a handicap placard for the van. So, to the naked eye, at first glance, yes, we have a disabled son. But look just a little longer, and you will see his smile. And then you will hear his laugh...

This is my husband and Toby.

When the world first hears of your child's special needs you reach a new status in today's society. I have found that especially in today's churches you reach what my husband and I like to refer to as celebrity status. Everyone wants to talk to you, hug you, pray with you and for you. Your fridge is bursting at the seams with meals and you cant walk two steps in the church sanctuary without getting at least a half dozen hugs. Now don't get me wrong. I believe strongly that God shows us immeasurable grace through those moments. He gives us strength by allowing there to be no doubt of His love and our church familiy's love surronding us. You can conquer anything in those moments, during those constant reminders of support, love and encouragement. Then it happens. Your status changes. You are no longer the celebrity. The dust settles and people move on with their lives. However... God is still good. God is still soverign. God's grace is still sufficeint. The thing ...

We all have our stories. We all have our trials. This is not just about Toby. It's not about braces, wheelchairs, therapy and doctor's visits. This is about bringing God glory in our everyday life and in our children's lives. Yes, our lives can be filled with pain but also with a hope that other parents will never experience. Praise God for the hope in the midst of the pain. I started this blog after talking to a couple of friends about the honesty we need in our Christian lives, especially in regards to trials. We want our pain to be private. I especially would much rather "fake it" than to open the shades on the windows of my heart. Well, with this blog I hope to not only open the shades, but open the windows and the doors of my hear--all with the goal of sharing God's grace. Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart faileth but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.