Tuesday, November 2, 2010

amazement

So. Life never ceases to amaze me.

Never.

I am almost having a hard time searching for words to even begin this post. I'm actually going to write half of it over at The Journey website and half here. The personal half here and the other there.

So now I have to figure out what to write here and what to write there.

HA!

Okay, well yesturday afternoon I was surfing the web during "nap time" (i use that term very lightly now) And I came across a sort of graph of children's Spina Bifida Levels and what there physical outcome usually is. It went something similiar to this...Not exactly this as I'm going from memory and this is just an example.
L1- walk with arm crutches. full time wheelchair user later on in life
So I scroll through to find Toby's level and BOOOM!! Full time wheelchair user later in life.
This is what happened in my little heart and mind.
My happy picture I have had in my mind of Toby. My picture of him walking around with arm crutches as a teenager through the mall, opening doors for people, laughing and hanging out came crumbling down around me and getting smashed by a picture of Toby as a teenager in a wheelchair. More thoughts and past advice crowded in of Doctor's and therapist saying he would walk for a while and then use a chair. We heard that when we were pregnant, We heard that with our first therapist, We've heard that in our clinic. But it was like the past few months of how amazing he is doing as made me forget those things.
The past few months I've pictured Toby walking. that's it. Just walking. Ive picture steps in my house. Ive picture normal doorways. I've pictured Toby walking.
That afternoon I cried. I cried again that night as I tried to explain it to Nate. And I cried again today trying to explain to my friend Larie.
No way can my mind wrap around Toby back tracking. No way can my mind take my Toby who has worked so hard and seemingly go backwards.
So today I'm sitting in my car after dropping Toby off at the door for therapy talking to Larie on the phone and trying to make sure my mascara doesnt run all over the place and poor Selina (toby's pt) think I have lost my mind.
I watch her work and work and work with him and about 40 minutes into the session I can hardly take it any more. ( I know it sounds overdramatic but imagine how amazingly overwhelmed im feeling) I start to ask her about levels. I start to ask her about how he's functioning. And then I ask her.....What are we looking at long term? She kind of looks confused at me. So then with a ridiculously shaky voice I explain what I read and what I've heard. She looks at me right in the eyes and says this..

"Kari, Toby should walk till he's 60. No really. Maybe till he's 80. He might need a cane. He might need some ankle braces. But Toby's going to walk. Unless he decides and you decide that he shouldnt. Toby will walk."

And there goes my picture of him in his chair. Of my widened doorways, of my house with no steps. And here comes Toby. Walking up to the door step maybe with a hobble. maybe with some arm crutches. But there's my teenage boy picture STANDING there.

So does life amaze me. Yes life amazes me. Does life feel like a rollercoaster?? You better believe it.

But the best part of all this is. I can see God working. I see God moving and I see God directing. If we had never lost Todd (our old therapist that was amazing) we would have never gotten Selina. If we would have never gotten Selina we wouldnt be where we were today. If I had never seen that chart I would have never asked her about it. If I had never asked her about it I wouldnt know the amazing hope that I know tonight.
Pretty awesome rollercoaster, huh?
Make sure you check out my other post over at the Journey to finish up this story. : )


i always set out tobys stuff to get him ready in the moring. I was shocked when I walked in and realized there was no back brace, no twister cables and just these tiny little afos. pretty amazing, i had to take a picture.

4 comments:

Andrew and Esther said...

Wow. Literal goosebumps when you finished up your post, picturing your son as a teenager. Your post was a roller coaster - I can't imagine how you actually felt! I love how honest you are. What a beautiful picture of God teaching you something new. I just love it.

Scasmflops said...

Kari, wow! Those statistics and thoughts are exactly my own. It is so encouraging that I see others like Toby conquering the odds. Our God is so good and our kiddos are reflections of that.

Anonymous said...

I need to remember to have a box of tissues when I sit tdown to read your posts;) Incrdible!

Wonder woman...sorta said...

Precious picture and sweet thoughts you shared...