Friday, January 29, 2010

Wanting you to see both sides of the coin

So the last couple posts have been pretty incredible. And I am thankful.

But I also want to be honest and want you to have a glimpse of both sides of the coin.

Tonight was a great night. We spent time with great friends and had some wonderful conversations. However, Tonight had its sadness also.

Tonight, Toby realized something or at least he voiced it for the first time. There was a baby at our house that had just turned one. He was walking around like a champ. Super cute. Toby realized the difference.

At first it was just a quick sentence. "The baby is standing." and then throughout the night it progressed. "The baby is walking." And then a little more. "The baby is walking without a walker."

My heart is genuinely heavy tonight. Its hard to say all around sad, because it was a good night. But just heavy.

After Toby thought these things through he said, "I am going to walk without my walker." And then he tried. Needless to say it didnt quite work out in his favor.

I saw him realize the difference tonight. I saw him see his dependence on his walker and the lack of dependence this little baby had.

It was hard to watch and I wanted to take it away and not let him figure this out. However, I also know that this is also the way God works sometimes. Someday in the near future Milo will be walking, (he'll be one next month) and this will be a transition for Toby and for us. Maybe tonight was God's way of easing Toby into the transition and into the thought process. It is hard to think that his baby brother will be doing something that Toby is physically unable to do. It is hard, but it is part of our life.

As I write this I am reminded of our dependence for God. I'm also reminded of the fact that sometimes its very hard to admit our dependence for God. So maybe, God wants to use this as a reminder for me, and for all of us, that yes, it's not fun to always admit we are nothing without God. We can do nothing without the strength and the very breath that He gives us. But that is the way He designed us. We need a Savior and we need to be dependent on His Strength, His Grace, His Sacrafice and His Love.

So, yes I go to bed tonight with a heavy heart. But also with a heart reminded of how much I truly need my Savior.


kari

12 comments:

Colleen said...

That gives me a heavy heart too. He'll have such strong character because of his trials, but I just hate to see them go through the trials.

Leigh and Andy said...

My heart is heavy as well. I often wonder what the night will be like when Grey makes this realization...where we will be, what we will be doing, and most of all, what I will say. Like Colleen said, our boys will be stronger because of these trials. They have made us better people because of who they are and what they go through. I pray everyday that God will give me the right words when our day arrives...Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with us.

Scasmflops said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Scasmflops said...

oops... me and buttons on computers. :)
Thank you kari for this honest post. My heart aches as well. Im so scared for that day myself. I love you girl, and I love your courage.
You are so right about our dependence on God. We must always remember Him, and how heavy his heart is for us, his children. Toby is pointing us to Him.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful application! Thank you!
Bec

John C said...

It's this heavy heart that at times like these that make us stronger. There will always be instances as parents where we have to tote a load that would be beyond us without preparation.

I've had hundreds of such moments with Amanda, and indeed have another challenge ahead in dealing with her school. But, carrying a heavy heart at times has made my burdens bearable.

Holli (and Mark) said...

This post touched me as well. I am already worrying about the day Alex notices this difference between him and his twin. I am already struggling with how I will explain it. I know that I will rely on God at these times like so many other times to guide me. Thank you for sharing.

測逤 said...

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Bugg's mama said...

Hi, I'm so happy to "meet" you. I, too, am the mom of a "special" guy. Bugg is 3, in a wheelchair, and doesn't have a diagnosis. He doesn't talk or do anything for himself. But he is really a joy. I love talking to other moms who get it. 'Cause it's hard. And good. But hard. I started a blog, too.

Love, Bree

krousehouse said...

This hurts my heart too - Charlie isn't even born yet and I know we will face this one day. I know God knows what he is doing, and the plan will work out. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much along the way.

Pat said...

I know I already sent you a message on this, but something popped into my head as I read this again. The words of my dad when I was little. I told him I couldn't do something because i am handicapped. He replied "You are not disabled,you just do the same things in a different way".

Dill Family said...

That brings tears to my eyes!
I bet God feels the same way about us... just waiting to RETURN, so he can take the "pain" away and give us ALL our perfect bodies! People always said, "having children gives you a glimpse of Gods heart for his people" I never knew how TRUE that was until Jonathan!