ITS ALL ABOUT ME

So I've been reading a book, "When life is hard." And Ive been talking a lot about trials and other things. And I'm sure from the outside most would assume they know all my trials, they assume I'm talking about Toby and things going on with the house. The thing is there are trials that people go through that I'm reminded are "secret trials." The things that are too big, too personal, too private to put out there on a blog, facebook or prayer sheet even. Its been a reminder to me that there are hurting people everywhere. That there are things going on in homes and hearts of people we consider friends that we might never know about or understand. We might should be more understanding towards people For me as a Pastors wife I take a kind of pride in sharing my trials. To open up and be honest when things get hard because I think there is such beauty and healing in that. But in this past month Ive come to realize that can not always be the case. I have also come to realize that it doesn't mean I'm "fake" or not being "honest" It means there are certain parts of life that are hard and are meant for us alone. So here's my big rambling today....I know that WAS ONLY the INTRODUCTION!! So many times in my circles since the time I was a very very young teenager I was taught a simple truth about trials. One that Ive heard come out of so many Christians mouths. God may, might, is, could be, putting me through this trial to help someone going through something similar or WILL be going through a similar trial. I tell ya, Ive thought this. Been there. Said that. Ive said it well into my adult life. Ive said it about Toby. Ive sought comfort and solace from that thought. Tobys disability is so that I can help others with their childrens disabilities. Nate lost his eye so he can help people as an adult go through bla bla bla. I went through this as a child so I can better counsel young girls who fill in the blank. And is that TRUE? Well yea. Of course to a degree it is. But when you get down to the nitty gritty and really think about this mindset. How do you view a God who puts you through something (or allows something) so you can help someone else that HE has allowed to go through something so that they in turn can help someone else whom HE ALLOWS to go through something. How do you work out that reasoning in your mind? How can a powerful, mighty, loving God kinda of seem uncaring in that way? Where is the end to the cycle, because heaven knows there has got to be an end. I went through cancer, so I can help this person with cancer, I lost a baby to miscarriage so I can help this lady who had a miscarriage. It kind of in the end seems all for naught in a weird sort of way. Hear me out. Don't burn me at the stake yet. What I'm coming to realize is.....HOW MUCH WE ARE LOSING WITH THAT MINDSET!!! My focus has been on what God is allowing in my life as way to help, show, teach, instruct, encourage others.. The focus is always on others. But maybe...maybe just this once. God doesn't want it to be about others. Maybe he wants it to be ALL ABOUT ME! Maybe in the midst of the storm I'm missing truly what God is teaching me, showing me, growing me, molding me, because I'm focus on how I'm going to help others. Think about James 1:3 Its not about testing and trials so I can give a smoking awesome testimony and someone will be able to learn from it. Nope its for ME. For my faith. There so much more out there in verse and in principle. So maybe next time you go to tell someone they are going through something so they can help someone, or maybe the next time you go to tell yourself that...maybe stop. and think what does God want to do with me. What is God showing, teaching, molding and growing me through this. Its actually harder to do this. Its more work to do this. Its easier to write off trials for others. But it makes it bigger harder tougher this way, but I think its the way God intended. Just my thoughts as we go through some dark times....It cant be always about ministry. It cant be about the next devotional or the next soul I'll meet. Sometimes it needs to be ALL ABOUT ME. Heaven knows I don't want to go through all this and miss out on something God might be wanting to do FOR ME!!