secretramblingsofapastorswife

Two blogs in Two days???  My kids must be really well behaved lately or my house must really be a mess.  Ill let you use your imagination of how I have time for this. Yesterday a dear friend of mine posted an article about breastfeeding.  I'll sum it up for you. Sometimes breast feeding doesn't work out for everyone, sometimes you have reasons for not choosing to nurse. and that's okay. The whole point of the article is that's okay. This sweet friend posted this article with me in mind. And Ill tell you why. Ill share my secret. Ready..... I'm not nursing Wren. After trying and trying and trying for weeks. After her landing in the hospital with jaundice because she wasn't eating and her bilirubin was sky rocketing I decided to give her a bottle. With much sadness I stuck that bottle in her mouth in a gloomy hospital room with a nurse standing over me. It was lonely, sad, devastating, and depressing. I had lactation consultant after lactation consultant...

Its interesting to me that you can say you have the right view of situations and honestly feel like you do but then a moment something passes through your lips you are kind of stopped with what you really think. Sometimes it just slips right out. The other day I was telling a friend that had experience the sadness of multiple miscarriages that I had considered offering to be a surrogate mother for her before but then knew she probably wouldn't want me to considering I make "Broken Babies " We laughed about it and at the time it truly wasn't a big deal but I kept thinking about that term. "Broken Babies" And that was how I was describing two of my children. Broken. Was that how I viewed them? Was that how I saw what God had allowed? Brokenness. Not quite right. Not whole. The definition exactly is Broken adjective: broken having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order. synonyms: smashed, ...

Tomorrow has come and gone. Im thankful I took the time to write beforehand because now we are here. Yes, we got the amazing news of no tumor. The urine came back with no elevated levels which means there is no tumor anywhere in her body. I do not think this is a light or little thing. I absolutely praise God for this. He is a good God who is allowing my child be spared surgeries, chemo and all kinds of other things that only a mommy that has a child with cancer knows about. But will you give me the grace to say something.... To be 100% honest without judging or thinking me ungrateful? Its complicated. It is. Without a tumor we know that we are dealing with an eye issue. We know we have the potential to be dealing with a significant vision impairment. And you know what? That's hard. That stinks. And its straight up scary. We still have a baby with the same symptoms. Yesterday I praised God for no tumor but I also mourned possibilities. I am a big believer of crying no tea...

Its 10:30pm and I should be either sleeping or getting the diaper bag ready for tomorrow but I wanted to post before tomorrow. Tomorrow I am hopeful to walk away with some answers. Possibly tentative answers, but still much more than I have now. So I wanted to write before tomorrow happened. If you aren't friends with me on facebook then you have no idea what I'm talking about...the long and short of it. Wren (baby girl 2 months old) started having shaky eye movements on Friday afternoon. By Friday evening she was barely focusing on us at all. By Saturay afternoon she couldn't stop her eyes from moving at all. It was like she couldn't control them and she couldn't see us. After 5 nights in the hospital, multiples tests (with one test still pending) we went home. The problem is what she is doing can mean some really serious things, specifically a tumor or some smaller things like a problem she will outgrow by age 3. The issue is they have to test for every seriou...