Sunday, November 10, 2013
Before tomorrow comes
Its 10:30pm and I should be either sleeping or getting the diaper bag ready for tomorrow but I wanted to post before tomorrow. Tomorrow I am hopeful to walk away with some answers. Possibly tentative answers, but still much more than I have now. So I wanted to write before tomorrow happened. If you aren't friends with me on facebook then you have no idea what I'm talking about...the long and short of it. Wren (baby girl 2 months old) started having shaky eye movements on Friday afternoon. By Friday evening she was barely focusing on us at all. By Saturay afternoon she couldn't stop her eyes from moving at all. It was like she couldn't control them and she couldn't see us. After 5 nights in the hospital, multiples tests (with one test still pending) we went home. The problem is what she is doing can mean some really serious things, specifically a tumor or some smaller things like a problem she will outgrow by age 3. The issue is they have to test for every serious thing FIRST! A week before this happened I talked to two different friends. And Ill be honest here I have no idea what brought me to say what I did except just a whole lot of honesty. One of those things that maybe you don't say aloud even if you think it. To one friend I said something like, "So much crazy good is going on it makes me wonder if a trial is coming." To another friend I said, "Sometimes I feel immune to any of my other kids being sick like with cancer or something big because God already gave us our big health trial with Toby. He knows I couldn't handle more." And now the silence. Ooops. ummmmm.....just kidding.....for real. Do you know Ive had to remind myself of who God is once they reminded me of those things I had said. I thought, "Oh no is God proving me wrong. Is God doing this because I said that." But no that's not who my God is. He is my loving Father who quite honestly has brought us through so much that I have no business saying He couldn't give us more. But He doesn't sit up in heaven waiting for us to slip up so that HE can show us whats what. But sometimes I think we think that way. We so have to watch our view of who God is and base it on what the Bible says no matter what. Which really...if we aren't in the Bible then how can we know what the Bible says. How can we have a foundation to fall on when something like this stares us in the face. So I made it through that thought process. Dealing with Spina Bifida with Toby has made the medical community part of my regular life. Its just kind of second nature now. I know how things go and how to deal so its very easy for me to become self reliant through things like this. a "ive got this" attitude. The thing that has clearly thrown me off is the lack of diagnosis. I don't have any plan of action. I cant research, schedule therapies, surgeries or anything. I'm stuck. I look at my baby and don't know if her vision is being affected, I don't know if there is a tumor in her body somewhere that they cant find. I just don't know. My usual way to "deal" has been stripped with this. I have to sit back and wait. I have to pray and trust. And you know its been good for me. I cant get blinded by the busy work of a diagnosis. Im left on my knees trusting, asking and praising God. Because what else more can I do. God really has shown me so much of His power, strength and grace through this. Almost more so than some of the stuff in Tobys life. Just because I have to wait on Him. I cant even have faith in the medical community. All of my faith is wrapped up in what God is going to do or is doing. The really neat part of all of it is. He is doing so much. He has given me this crazy calmness. This spirit of trust. This spirit of faith that can absolutely only come from Him. Because people, I don't have it in me. Im not there in my walk with God yet. But He's brought me there right when I needed it. And I am oh so thankful. Oh so grateful. That is why I wanted to post before tomorrow. Because tomorrow I might be tried in a new one. God might be taking me down a different path. We might not have answers but we might. And just in case we do I want to make sure I remember what its life to not have those answers. To hold Wren and just trust that God has her and that HE knows and that He loves her. Because He does. As He does me.