Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Its Complicated

Tomorrow has come and gone. Im thankful I took the time to write beforehand because now we are here. Yes, we got the amazing news of no tumor. The urine came back with no elevated levels which means there is no tumor anywhere in her body. I do not think this is a light or little thing. I absolutely praise God for this. He is a good God who is allowing my child be spared surgeries, chemo and all kinds of other things that only a mommy that has a child with cancer knows about. But will you give me the grace to say something.... To be 100% honest without judging or thinking me ungrateful? Its complicated. It is. Without a tumor we know that we are dealing with an eye issue. We know we have the potential to be dealing with a significant vision impairment. And you know what? That's hard. That stinks. And its straight up scary. We still have a baby with the same symptoms. Yesterday I praised God for no tumor but I also mourned possibilities. I am a big believer of crying no tears over possibilities but to be honest its hard this time. It could take years for us to know if her vision will be significantly affected or not and that's tough. We are looking at a lifelong condition. We are looking at more special needs. Yes these are possibilities and not for certains. but I have to wrap my mind around that. The doctor mentioned ocular albinism and congenital nystagmus. He's not 100% on either one of these. And we go back in 6 weeks to have a better look. But both aren't fantastic. His encouragement to me was honestly a little scary. "These kids learn to read without braille, they use magnifiers and other things and some do drive." Ummmmmm Doctor your encouragement stinks! It has potential to be surgeries, therapies and glasses galore. I adore Wren, I love her and don't want any of that for her. There is a chance that her vision will be barely affected and we are definitely praying that way but as we pray we know that it might not be God's plan. We pray for healing, we pray for protection of her eyes but we also know from experience healing is not always Gods answer. So as I say, Praise God. I also say, It's Complicated. But know that in the complication I am praising. Confusing? Well yea in my head and heart its confusing. Resting in the knowledge of who God is and how much he loves Wren.

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