The other day I was telling a friend that had experience the sadness of multiple miscarriages that I had considered offering to be a surrogate mother for her before but then knew she probably wouldn't want me to considering I make "Broken Babies" We laughed about it and at the time it truly wasn't a big deal but I kept thinking about that term.
And that was how I was describing two of my children. Broken.
Was that how I viewed them? Was that how I saw what God had allowed? Brokenness. Not quite right. Not whole.
The definition exactly is
Broken adjective: broken having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order. synonyms: smashed, shattered, fragmented, splintered, crushed, snapped; antonyms: whole
And how do you even come away from that. how do you fix that.
Every time I look at Wren and her eyes are shaking and shes trying to focus... that word pops into my head and I see it..
And I struggle with the thought.
I made a broken baby.
Its a process people. A long hard process.
Its seeing my children as God sees them and continually seeing them that way.Cause no of course I don't look at them and think "broken" all the time, but the thought does cross my mind, it does stick and its hard to throw away.
Its seeing my life and my story as God sees it and continually seeing it that way.
Seeing the story God is writing for me and my children.....
and knowing its not a story of brokenness its a story of Grace and love, a story filled with beauty. A story I wouldn't have written for myself or my children, but a story My Savior has given us. My Children aren't broken. My children are beautifully whole. I will fight that thought of brokenness and I will fight the guilt that can follow so closely behind that thought.
I believe that there are mommies out there that might also struggle with this and that is why I'm writing this because its a lonely, isolating thought and well its just not truth.