Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Dear Shunt

Dear Shunt,

I hate you! Hate you. Hate you. Hate you.

But for real. I hate you.

I hate you because you put fear in me like I've never felt before. Every headache, every puke, every virus that hits my son makes me shake in fear because I think its you.My mind immediately jumps to you.  I think this is the moment, the moment you have failed us. Every day of exhaustion. Every bad therapy day. Every off day for my son, my mind goes to you. I hate you for that. 

I hate you for all the false alarms. All the CT scans that seemed unnecessary. All the ER visits and sleepless nights that weren't needed. I hate you for real.  

I hate you for the moments you've stolen from my family. I hate you for the fun things you've messed up. 

I hate you because tomorrow you will be replaced. Because today we found out that you really did fail us. Today the fears, the CTs, the pukes, the headaches, the shaking eyes all came together and this was the moment I feared the most. And here it is. So guess what, I hate you.

And yet I love you. Because you've been with us 7 1/2 years.  The first one like you didn't even last 7 1/2 months and so therefore I love you.  You stayed steady and strong. You did your job. You protected my sons life. You protected his brain. You protected who he really is. So I love you.   

But yet I still hate you.  because you have threatened to fail and today you did.

I hate that because of you we will be separated by a hospital again as a family. I hate you because we will miss days of school. I hate you because his hair that JUST grew back will be shaved. I hate you for the moments of playing and hanging out with friends that he will miss. I hate you for the IV and the pain that he will have.  I hate you for the scar you will leave behind. I hate you for the fear of infection that we will have for weeks after this surgery. 

and yet I still love you because I know without you we might not have him and that is enough to make all the hate worth it....

and yet I still super hate you. 

Yours Truly,

His Mom 

ps  if you dont know what a shunt is you can read more about it here. 

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