Friday, February 21, 2014

my pretty package got thrown away

What a day. .....AGAIN. 

So thankful for this outlet to share our  lives and to have a way to just breathe through it all.

Im sitting here listening to my husband listen to "Jesus Bring the Rain." as I type my mess.  I guess we all deal different ways.  

So if you arent "friends" with me on facebook here's a brief recap.

Toby has a large bump on his vp shunt tubing for 11 days (a shunt tubing that keeps him alive and keeps him Toby) yesterday he started complaining of headaches and then puked.  Now some of you will be like...hey no biggie, sickness goes around...but all you SB mamas will groan with me and say, "oh man."  He felt somewhat better as the day went on so we just went with it. This morning hes struggling more with the headache and even got back in bed. (not the norm for a 7 year old boy) So my poor husband takes however many kids to a field trip with the Christian School and comes home to take over 4 other kiddos while I take Toby into the ER.  
(sorry i know some of the details bore you but some people really like it and well...i do what i want here) 
Loooong story short. We are home. We are home with almost less answers. The ventricles in his brain were larger than 10 days ago but not large enough that neuro says surgery is necessary now. He said is the shunt on the way to failing....maybe....Can we fix it with changing his valve setting.....maybe....Can the shunt fix itself....possibly....Is this related to the bump.....I dont know....Why is it changing shapes....I dont know. Whats the game plan....I dont know what to do with him.   So yea... So we are home with a valve change praying that is all it takes to kick this shunt's butt into high gear. And praying our incredibly conservative Dr is right. 
 So we go home and not 10 minutes after we get home we get the call from our realtor.  The people had to back out. The husband lost his job. Now dont think I'm insensitive because thats awful and I get that and Ive thought about and prayed for that guys wife that seemed so excited to buy our home.  But at that exact moment my thoughts went to more house showings.
NOOOOO....  More crazy momma clean house time. More leave the house. Jump in the car. Cant go home for naps. And I cried. I totally did. I got off the dumb ol phone and cried.  
The thing that is sometimes hard about the whole sovereignty of God is that sometimes you think you have His whole plan worked out. You think you know what He is doing and how He is doing it and then BOOM. Its different...and its usually not as pretty of a sovereignty package as you would like. 
My pretty packaged looked something like this.  a. go to the hospital there is something wrong we do surgery no longer worry and out done with this section.  b. go to the hospital nothing is wrong with shunt but they are sure it is a virus and nothing more, we go home and no longer worry.   All tied up with a great big red bow.
Or my pretty package of soverignty for the house was so nice and seemingly was already gift wrapped and delievered. someone buys are house for more than asking price in less than 2 weeks of it being on the market, then they dont ask for any repairs because they missed the option period. with a nice ending of  We pack up and move out at our perfect date.  Now its more like....all the first part (since it already happened) but then....And then they backout and we are now stuck trying to sell a house very very quickly.

SAY WHAT!!???

I really liked my pretty nice clean choices so much better.

And yet here we are.

Its not even a doubt God thing. And Ill tell you why. Its because I'm in the WORD.  Like really in the Word. Not just oh this verse sounds nice and this fits what I want to hear from God. But IN GODS WORD ALL THE WAY UP THE ELBOWS.  this is not a pat myself on the back moment but more of the difference to how i handle trials now that im truly digging deep moment. 
You see Ive been reading in Revelation. And well...Ive been really wanting to read Revelation but I figured there was no way I was going to "get it" "understand it" or "for petes sake apply it to my life today" but I really really felt like thats where I should be.  And let me tell you I love it.  Its awesome, amazing and has been so eye opening.  But here's the real deal. Here's where the POWER HITS. Last night I told Nate (and he so kindly reminded me today) " how can people think God cant handle and be in control of their little tiny problem when He will be in control of all the end time events. All the tribulation. All the things that happen will be within His power. His time. His way. How in the world can anyone doubt a God that can control so much and be so amazingly awesomely powerful?? Yea well, good thing I said that and good thing God showed me that because today when the temptation to believe that God's sovereignty might not be as sovereign as it is I got a good reminder that....His sovereignty is just that.  Sovereign.  
It doesnt matter if it looks like I think it should.
It doesnt matter if its going a certain way and then turns another direction. 
It doesnt matter that its not wrapped up with a great big red bow for me to open and holler about how Great God is.
It doesnt even matter that what I thought was my pretty package got seemingly thrown away.
He's Soverign. He's Good. He wants good for me.
                                   And well thats quite enough for me to get it together and go clean my house.

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