So, tonight I took my first ever trip to IKEA.
So, tonight I cried in the middle of IKEA.
Let me explain.
In my head a feel like I have a running list of things that make me sad in regards to our life with Toby. For example, I might see a child do something that Toby will not be able to do. Knowing that it will not be a part of Toby's life and knowing that there is nothing to do at the time about it I just tuck it away for another moment. There might be things that will make me sad but wont be things that I can do anything about until Toby is much older. So I just tuck that tidbit of information and put it away for maybe another time to be sad. (since it wouldnt be appropriate to cry in a store...say...like IKEA! :)
I truly believe this is a survival mechanism God has given me to help control those moments of sadness that seem to come at inopportune times. I'm sure some of you other mom's must know what I'm talking about. The moments at playgroups or walking around the mall or of course even walmart. You cant just stop grocery shopping and sit down and cry. So you just add it on to the list and it seems the list gets longer and longer.
Well, there are certainly plenty of things on my ongoing list that I do not think on daily. (I would be crazy now if I did) And sometimes I can even forget about them until they resurface.
So, picture this with me. I'm walking around IKEA with my friends and Toby, Milo, and Gracie just enjoying the atmosphere and trying to figure out things I can fit in my suitcase. (Im still in Florida) When I come across this
Doesn't seem like too big of deal, right? WRONG!! In the store they had it set up with a mattress on the ground where the hole is. So it was like a bunk bed but with the one bed on the ground. That's when it hits me. I get to do something that I don't get to do very often.
I scratched something off my list.
You see one of the things that had made me sad when I realized I was having another boy was the fact that I couldn't picture them in bunk beds. I always pictured brothers in bunkbeds.. I know it's a little wierd, but just one of those things. Well, the problem was that I couldn't wrap my mind around how Toby was going to be able to have a bunkbed with Milo without having to make it look weird with steps and all kinds of things added to it.(I really like things to look as normal as possible) So when I saw the bed at IKEA I realized that here was an answer. I know longer needed to feel like this couldn't be a part of their lives when they got older. It very well could be and it could still look nice. I pictured the boys just sitting there on the beds hanging out just like any other brothers. So that's when the tears started. In my mind I took that thing off my list and something incredible happened in IKEA.
My list got shorter